I don’t know why, but I feel dead inside today, and cold. Cold like the cold if you were dead. I’m dead and cold. I think there’s something wrong with me. Everything was fine this afternoon, until I woke up from that nap disoriented and sad.

It was almost like it was the last straw. I’d woken up feeling that way just one too many times now.

It made me angry at first but that quickly turned to – I’m not sure how to describe it – something like apathy. I imagine I’ve just shut down again. The way I always shut down when I have to do something really hard. The kind of thing that brings you to your knees, like getting raped or beat on, breaking up with someone, going to a job I hate or just being alone too long.

Is it self-indulgent to feel lonely? I wonder if I’m having some easily explainable mood swing, pre-menstrual syndrome. I can only hope cuz that would mean this awful non-feeling would go away in a few days and jeezus I pray to god it does, cuz I think this is the kind of painful aloneness that forces people to throw themselves off buildings. Really, what do you feel like when you throw yourself off a building? The kind of dull ache that’s so unbearable you can’t even cry cuz there’s nothing left. Just an echo of something you used to be.

I don’t know how to make myself feel better. I don’t know what I need. A messiah. Soul-shaker. Somebody to move me. Wake me. Make me feel alive again.

A powerful love affair. The kind that distracts you from anything remotely resembling sanity.

I wish I was new again.

I wish I was dazzled again. Like lovers crushing the grass in a dangerous time.

I wish I could scream or cry or pitch a fit and trash the place.

I wish someone would love me enough to know me.

Fuck me in the middle of a shouting match.

Stay with me.

Play with me.

Even in my darkest hour.

Who was the first to kiss those lips?

I want to be in the grip of obsession.

I want to feel choked from lust tight around my throat like the first time my fingers touched a keyboard, gushing with energy and greed as I kicked a hole in that basement window and watched the daylight bleed in like remembering everything.